Domestic Disturbance

Well, I have three interviews coming up; one tomorrow, two on Wednesday. So I gotta get my suit in order and such, and you know what that means -- ironing.

Now, for a little background: My mama handled these sort of things back in the day. She was very much the domestic type, very old-school immigrant stuff. So cooking, cleaning, etc. was her domain. Now you may ask, "V, why didn't you help out, or learn how to do these things?" To which I say, think about it. When you were in high school, if you didn't have to make your bed, did you? OK, I thought so.

So anyway, I have to iron my shirt and pants and such. To be short, it was a debacle. Too much starch, can't do the sleeves quite right, etc. It got worse and worse.

At one point, I realized that I was starching my pants. That won't be good for the ol' nether regions, that's for sure.

So when my parents called this evening, I asked my mom for pointers. That was something. She was literally more excited to learn that I was ironing than she was when I told her that I got into grad school with a full scholarship. That's the beauty of low expectations I guess.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for the interviews, and ready to get a job, as my last unemployment check will be arriving tomorrow.

Qualified . . . and SEXY!

So, I ordered a suit on overstock.com the other day, since I have a wedding to attend in North Carolina next week, and need to look good for any single, slightly drunk Southern belles that might attend. Anyway, I got the suit yesterday, which surprised me with it being a holiday and all. So I decided to wear it to my interview today.

The interview went really well. I was there for two hours, spoke with four different people, and was able to answer any question they sent my way. Whether I could answer such questions truthfully is another matter altogether. Suffice to say, I didn't mention that I'm only looking to work through mid-July or so, as that would have been what corporate jargonists label "a career-limiting decision".

After meeting with the HR girl, I was directed to another building where the actual department is located. As the elevator doors were closing, the HR girl blurted out, "By the way, I love that suit!"

F yes. I was on some suave Pierce Brosnan shit today. So, I'm at the station, waiting for my train home, when the HR girl called to set up the second interview. This was roughly 20-30 minutes after finishing the first one. Hell yes, I can interview like a mofo. So I'm going back either Friday or Monday.

Which is all rather ironic, since this blog originated on the premise of my search for a job. And as much as I'd hate to blow my proverbial load early, I really need some cash.

How about that!

The Power of the Blog!

So guess what happened within 24 hours of putting up my "Help Wanted" blog? Yup, I got a call for a job interview. A local financial services firm is looking for a "Corporate Actions Specialist." Nope, I don't know what the hell that means either.

The HR rep gave me sort of a pre-interview over the phone. She asked what my aspirations were. I mentioned that I was hoping to begin study part-time toward an MBA within the next couple of years at a local school. Of course, in reality "hoping to begin" means "will begin", "part-time" means "full-time", "within the next couple of years" means "in August", and "at a local school" means "in Pittsburgh." But she really didn't need to know that.

So, I have an interview on Tuesday. Eh. The way I see it, most jobs I've had don't start to suck for six months. If I were to get a job, I'd be outta there in about five months. So it'd be sort of like a paid internship, except I wouldn't be preparing for a job in the industry, and they wouldn't know that it's short term.

So things are looking up, or something.

Help Wanted?

So, I need a job. I've been out of work since last July, but haven't been lacking for money (big ups to the good people at the Massachusetts Dept. of Employment and Training for that). So yeah, I've been collecting unemployment, under the auspices of looking for work in the process. The problem is, it is WAY TOO EASY to keep collecting. I go online once a week, and answer four yes/no questions. The questions are always the same; I even know the order of the "correct" answers (yes, yes, no, no). The whole process takes me, literally, 30 seconds. It takes more effort to go to the mailbox to get my check than it does to actually "earn" the check.

But now my benefits are running out in a couple of weeks. I was thinking about filing for an extension. My friend, who has split the last five years evenly between working and collecting on the dole, has given me the lowdown on it. (And trust me, this guy is an expert. He once collected unemployment for three months WHILE IN PRISON, I shit you not.)

But thinking about it more deeply, what kind of responsible citizen would I be if I leeched the government for more money? I would be just like the "Chicago Welfare Queen" that Reagan talked about so much in the '80s. Well, except for the fact that I actually exist, whereas the Welfare Queen was a figment of some speechwriter's imagination.

So, long story short, I need a job. I only need to work for 4, maybe 5 months, since I'll be starting grad school in the fall. Now let me get a couple of things straight, regardless of what I say on my resume or any cover letter:

I am NOT a team player. I don't care what you did last weekend, and I don't want to help you with a mail merge at 4:30 on a Friday, because I'm done doing any work for the week by 11:00. On Thursday. So don't ask.

I am NOT looking to advance within the company. Sorry, but toiling for 60 hours a week, for 15 years, just so I can be middle-management, thereby spending my life struggling to pay the mortgage and private school, all while wearing the Andy Sipowicz shortsleeve shirt/tie combo is not my cup of tea.

I am NOT proactive, I do NOT think outside the box, I do NOT care about your fucking mission statement, and I DON'T fulfill any bullshit corporate buzzword you can think of.

(Hmmm, wonder why I'm currently unemployed?)

So, you ask, what WILL I do?

I'll add. I'm really good at adding numbers together. Been pretty rock solid at it since age 5, so I figure there's no reason to mess with a good thing.

I'll file. I alphabetize like a mofo.

I'll write. I spell really well. My greatest achievement is coming within two words of going to the National Spelling Bee (stop laughing).

Like I said, I'm only looking to make some cash till July or so. Maybe June, I might take the summer off. And there's Memorial Day Weekend. Plus, I have to go to a wedding at the beginning of March, and I don't want to use my new suit for an interview. Since the job hunting process takes at least a few weeks, I'm looking for a target date of April 1 to start working.

So basically, I'm looking for someone that:
a) won't give me any crap to deal with
b) will let me spend 20-25 hours a week on MySpace trying to filter out the 15 year-old girls who lied about their ages to sign up, and
c) is willing to hire someone who will only work for six weeks.

You can send job descriptions, with salary info to:

delusional@whatthefuckishethinking.com